I was watching "Queen of the Damned" alone tonight (my roommate gone to Portugal and all,) and even though I already knew Aaliyah had been dead for quite some time now I couldn't help feeling pained to see such a beautiful, young actress gone away and her potential perished. It's even more so because she died in a plane crash somewhere around Guam. It's like Heath Ledger's death - she could've achieved something much greater but now we'll never know. I suppose suicide would be even sadder but because these deaths came to two actors unknown, unexpected.
Maybe it's because of few experiences in my life that reminded me of my mortality, or the fact that I'm living away from home and traveling a lot since exposed to even greater danger. (I realize I'm in pretty much equal amount of peril even at home if I'd like to get paranoid but let's not discuss that right now...) Seeing these actors and other people from my school dying, some younger than even me. (I got to know about the latter when I checked my facebook account and received an invitation to join a group to commemorate one of my alumni's brother. I don't know how he died, but it seems he had been missing for some time and found dead later on.)
I'm trying to prepare myself, even though I'm fully aware that I'll never be so, for death. I'd like to minimize the amount of regret I might have when it comes down to the moment I come to feel it to my skin that I'm to die. It's no use. It makes me weak just thinking about what I might want to say to my family or my friends.
Many predicaments people have when it comes to death is that they can talk about it freely, almost, and never let anyone close to them even mention it. They don't want to hear it - at least I don't. I hate it when my friends say things like, "oh will you be sad when I die" or something along that line. I wouldn't say that personally, although I might wonder to myself, but if I could articulate it to full capacity, I'd like them to know what I really feel about them in case I never get to tell. But feelings change and most of the times it may make people even grievous when they know what their dead friend wanted to say.
As you can see my sentiments are complicated toward this matter...
I don't know what's worse - telling my family and my friends that I loved them very much and leaving them to deal with my death OR not saying anything at all? Selfishly I could tell them. But I don't know. Maybe I'm just making very condescending presumptions here, that my death will have such a big impact on the people I know.
It's also very selfish, I think, that I just discuss this out in the open in my blog, which anyone can have access to, while I try to avoid this subject whenever if I could. Normally I would just think about it and let it go. What pushed me over?
A sudden realization of our fragile mortality? (As Shelley, Keats and Byron remind us)
Desire to share my fear with everyone else?
Relief from nervousness of the presentation I had to put up today?
The hot vampires in the movie? Maybe.
Side-talk:
#1- I'm working on the Milan photos - I've been very busy & lazy these days and these photos need resizing. Will work on it sometime.
#2- I'll be gone away to Brussels and Paris next week, from Monday to Friday. In case I don't post new things: Au revoir!
